Prom. It is the MOST important night of my life, period. After checking out my Facebook relationship status, I came to the conclusion that I don’t actually have a boyfriend. What’s a girl to do with prom RIGHT around the corner?

Thanks to my adoring family asking about my love life at every family gathering I felt it was time to re-examine my approach for prom night. When asked, repeatedly, by my aunts, uncles, and cousins, I realized I was walking into the second half of my senior year completely unprepared. After doing an immense amount of research, Seventeen magazine, Urban Dictionary, Teen Vogue, People, Cosmopolitan, and The Guide to Being a Perfect Wife really set me on the right path.

I first needed to know what a prom date really is. Though Urban Dictionary had a slew of very confusing answers, especially because I am a woman, I figured out all by myself that a prom date is a date to … wait for it … prom.

The next step was to calculate what my height would be in heels so that I won’t over power my date. There is nothing worse than making a young gentleman feel emasculated by a woman. Just thinking of such a thing would make my date weak in the knees. Since I am the perfect height for a woman, 5’3”, the proper heel height is 4.5”.

A 4.5” heel supports those of us who are on the shorter side with a stabilizing platform. It may be very tall, but it is definitely still walkable. This all seemed very important for a full night of getting jiggy with it.

Now for the real fun, picking out the boy. As my uncle so kindly suggested, I began flipping through the pages of my year book. The first step was to figure out what color dress would look good on me. Then I had to eliminate any fella whose eye color would clash with my amazing custom-made sequined prom dress. Nothing personal guys, it was for our own good.

After finally narrowing it down to two lucky boys, and one junior (just in case) I did a little bit of Facebook research. Listen to me carefully here, knowing your future husband’s prom date’s favorite movie, TV show, and food is very important. These things all help him have a false sense of connection to you. It is a fiendishly clever way to make someone fall in love.

The next step is to “poke” them on the Facebook (non-stop), follow their twitter account, by your second false twitter account of course, and google search them for any possible tumblr or blog pages. The key here is to remember that the internet became a big deal when we were far too young to realize we all looked awkward in fourth grade, so if they were unfortunate enough to post pictures around that time, don’t blame them for it. We have all learned from our past mistakes.

Just in case you can’t remember their names while talking to them, always call your three finalists by pet names. Avoid names like bud, pal, amigo, friend, champ, star, and bro, because they portray being friend-zoned. Better names are… actually don’t talk yet, or at all for that matter — stalking is far more productive.

Once the adequate amount of stalking is done the next step is to be talking. Talking can be quite serious these days. Then comes snapchatting, hooking up at parties, hanging out, seeing each other, dating, and god forbid we make it to the level of calling each other bf and gf. Terms like boyfriend and girlfriend are so 2010! Of course at this point you have three potentials but before you can get to the talking phase, instead of just talking, it has to be narrowed down to one.

There is one thing in particular that guys love, it is called “The Cloud.” This is not the interweb storage that is continually getting hacked. “The Cloud” is a giant, overwhelmingly horrific, monstrosity of floating, stinking, floral particles through the halls as girls walk by. It is truly very lovely, and only has only a few possible side effects.**

I then needed to learn their schedules exactly. It is essential to always ask through a friend of a friend of his. This way it can never be traced back to you. Code names are also very helpful and not at all confusing, especially when the boys are called things like “eyes guy” or “hair guy,” because for some reason it is logical to assume that the only boy that has eyes or hair is the one you are talking about.

Once their schedule is completely committed to memory it is time for the approach. The approach is a very delicate time and it should be on the record that bringing them a huge binder full of information collected about them and saying that they need to go to The Prom with you is not going to work out. I know this not from experience…….

In short, this is how I found my perfect prom date, and don’t worry it’s okay because he’s my first cousin. So, you have your cousins, and then you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins…

Other viable options are love potions, blackmail, or hired escorts, though each of these options are in poor taste.

*This is a work of fiction and any similarities to real life are simply and totally coincidences.

**Few is a relative term and side effects may include but are not limited to upset stomach, nausea, vomiting, headache, diarrhea, constipation, dizziness, or drowsiness, hives, facial swelling, asthma (wheezing), shock, rash, blisters, and skin reddening. “The Cloud” is for external use only and is extremely flammable, if ingested or if it comes in contact with eyes get medical help.