Sanders appalled by Super Bowl inequality

By Nick Udell, Satirist

In a speech given Thursday afternoon, Vermont senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders expressed his dislike for the Super Bowl. The root of this dislike, he explained, is the inequality that the Super Bowl perpetuates.

“The National Football League currently allows only two teams to play in the Super Bowl,” Sanders said. “I do not think that this is fair to the other — the thirty other teams in the league who work hard all season long. If I am elected president of the United States, the sports entertainment industry will know who the president is, and their corrupt, greedy practices will come to an end.”

The National Football League, however, appears completely baffled by this response. In a press conference on Saturday, NFL spokesman Jerry Johnson said, “He does know it’s a championship right?”

Sanders’ campaign office has since confirmed that he plans to institute policies forcing the NFL and other major sporting leagues to allow all, or at least most, of the teams to take part in championship events.

Contrary to this, all Republican candidates with the exception of Dr. Ben Carson have expressed their love of the Super Bowl and professional sports in general.